dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
