I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
