Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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