i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
