I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
