i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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