You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
