ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
