so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
