It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
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