Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
