pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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