today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i want to swaddle you in tequila
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
