How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
