Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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