at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
