how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
