shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
