So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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