too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
