Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
