we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
