Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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