Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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