i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
