Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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