I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
