I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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