Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize