you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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