I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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