I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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