all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
