I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
