Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
