this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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