You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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