I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
