can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
