Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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