What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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