The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
