You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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