Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
