I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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