I think I died a long time ago.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
