Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
