Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Randomize