she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
