What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
