so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Rumble strips road head = magical
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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