Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
