Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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