He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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