oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
They should really pass out barf bags in church
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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