I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
