so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
