Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
