dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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