I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My dad just said "fuck circus"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
