I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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