from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
