we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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