New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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